Dizzy, this essay is excellent! I love your analysis and inclusion of letters between men. I'm a gender studies girly and I read a lot of essays in the black masculinity sphere. You are so right, so many of the issues we see when it comes to the alienation and loneliness of men comes from the way we socialize our boys and what we teach them about being a "man". Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate that you included “alienation” in addition to “loneliness” because it truly is a problem of a deep alienation (from self, from others, from the world) at its core.
Wow. What a read, it’s like if my thoughts of late were made coherent and eloquent—im so tired of casual, jokey misandry. Men don’t deserve punishment for historical wrongs against women (which we absolutely should acknowledge, the whole women as property thing was super unchill)—even if the did deserve it, it’s completely counterproductive.
As a newly minted man, this is so incredibly meaningful to me. And it's spot on. Men have such a horrendous time connecting with one another, and the "no homo" suffix gets exhausting. Ain't nothin wrong with homo. Chill bro.
Dizzy, this was so great! Loved your reflection on the shift from homosexuality as behaviour to homosexuality as identity in the modern era (leading to, imo, sometimes overwrought anxieties about whether you’re truly gay/bi/queer/etc)…
I’ve been using the term “practicing bisexual” or “practicing gay” to refer to people who actually engage in romantic/sexual queer and gay relationships…it’s a bit tongue in cheek, but it’s also meant to express that the actions we perform are imo more meaningful than some ambient, vague sense of identity that is determined in isolation. This is not to exclude people who don’t have queer community and experience yet! But the stress of figuring out who you are can get in the way of actually enjoying relationships with others
Also loved your closing thoughts on the (often very tiresome) misandry in left spaces and the political implications of it
Dude the misandry IS SO tiresome! Like the #killallmen joke is worn ouuuuut, been out since 2016, why are we still here? It’s weird for feminist pods to base their polit philosophy on men being evil incarnate
I get the sense that these times are really hard for men.
The variety of feminism I embrace is where everyone can be fully themselves -- men and women. To me that's what it means to live outside the patriarchy. I wish none of us had to live in those narrow roles.
Maybe things are changing, I don't know. As a straight woman, I confess that when I get into a romantic relationship, it seems like the role I play slides on as smoothly as a glove, and it's an exhausting role. Many women complain about this. What to do? How to get on a more even and accepting footing? I wish I knew.
i loved this so much!! i noticed how in elementary school boys in my class didn’t mind being so close, holding hands as they ran to recess. in middle school they must of been told it was ‘wrong’ or something of the sorts because thats when they all started the ‘no homo’ shit.
This essay, as well as Peter Clayborne’s “Straight Talk About Being Gay” and Ana Valens’ “I’ve Grown Weary of Your Queerplatonic Relationship” have been really helpful in expanding my understanding of intimacy. Thank you.
Dizzy, this essay is excellent! I love your analysis and inclusion of letters between men. I'm a gender studies girly and I read a lot of essays in the black masculinity sphere. You are so right, so many of the issues we see when it comes to the alienation and loneliness of men comes from the way we socialize our boys and what we teach them about being a "man". Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate that you included “alienation” in addition to “loneliness” because it truly is a problem of a deep alienation (from self, from others, from the world) at its core.
Wow. What a read, it’s like if my thoughts of late were made coherent and eloquent—im so tired of casual, jokey misandry. Men don’t deserve punishment for historical wrongs against women (which we absolutely should acknowledge, the whole women as property thing was super unchill)—even if the did deserve it, it’s completely counterproductive.
As a newly minted man, this is so incredibly meaningful to me. And it's spot on. Men have such a horrendous time connecting with one another, and the "no homo" suffix gets exhausting. Ain't nothin wrong with homo. Chill bro.
Dizzy, this was so great! Loved your reflection on the shift from homosexuality as behaviour to homosexuality as identity in the modern era (leading to, imo, sometimes overwrought anxieties about whether you’re truly gay/bi/queer/etc)…
I’ve been using the term “practicing bisexual” or “practicing gay” to refer to people who actually engage in romantic/sexual queer and gay relationships…it’s a bit tongue in cheek, but it’s also meant to express that the actions we perform are imo more meaningful than some ambient, vague sense of identity that is determined in isolation. This is not to exclude people who don’t have queer community and experience yet! But the stress of figuring out who you are can get in the way of actually enjoying relationships with others
Also loved your closing thoughts on the (often very tiresome) misandry in left spaces and the political implications of it
Dude the misandry IS SO tiresome! Like the #killallmen joke is worn ouuuuut, been out since 2016, why are we still here? It’s weird for feminist pods to base their polit philosophy on men being evil incarnate
I get the sense that these times are really hard for men.
The variety of feminism I embrace is where everyone can be fully themselves -- men and women. To me that's what it means to live outside the patriarchy. I wish none of us had to live in those narrow roles.
Maybe things are changing, I don't know. As a straight woman, I confess that when I get into a romantic relationship, it seems like the role I play slides on as smoothly as a glove, and it's an exhausting role. Many women complain about this. What to do? How to get on a more even and accepting footing? I wish I knew.
i loved this so much!! i noticed how in elementary school boys in my class didn’t mind being so close, holding hands as they ran to recess. in middle school they must of been told it was ‘wrong’ or something of the sorts because thats when they all started the ‘no homo’ shit.
This essay, as well as Peter Clayborne’s “Straight Talk About Being Gay” and Ana Valens’ “I’ve Grown Weary of Your Queerplatonic Relationship” have been really helpful in expanding my understanding of intimacy. Thank you.